Think Happy Thoughts

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

When I saw this picture of myself, I thought of the great and wonderful wisdom of Steven Wright.  I always thought highly of many of the questions Wright asked.  Here is more thought provoking Steven Wright wisdom and questions. Give them some thought.

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• If  you take an Oriental person and spin him around  several times, does he become  disoriented?

• If people from Poland are  called Poles, why aren't people from Holland  called Holes?

• Do infants enjoy infancy  as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If a  pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?  

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so  popular?

• Why is the man who invests  all your money called a broker?

• When  cheese gets its picture taken, what does it  say?

• Why is a person who plays the  piano called a pianist but a person who  drives a racing car not called a racist? 

• Why are a wise man and a wise guy  opposites?

• Why do overlook and  oversee mean opposite things?

• 'I am' is reportedly the  shortest sentence in the English  language. Could it be that 'I do' is the  longest sentence?

• If lawyers are  disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it  follow that electricians can be delighted,  musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models  deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry  cleaners depressed? 

• What hair color  do they put on the driver's licenses of bald  men?

• Why do they put  pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the  postage stamps so the postmen can look for them  while they deliver the mail? 

• You  never really learn to swear until you learn to  drive.

• No one ever says,  'It's only a game' when their team is  winning.

• Ever wonder about those  people who spend $2.00 apiece on those  little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling  Evian backwards: NAIVE 

• Isn't making  a smoking section in a restaurant like making a  peeing section in a swimming pool?  

• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from  diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?  

• Why if you send something by  road it is called a shipment, but when you  send it by sea it is called cargo? 

• If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7  days a week, 365 days a year, why are there  locks on the door?  

• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

• Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

• I'd kill for a a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

• Half of the people you know are below average.

• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

• Eagle may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• How can there be self-help 'groups'?

• Experience is something you get just after you need it.

• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

• Why do we sterilize needles for lethal injections?

• What's another word for Thesaurus?

• If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall people burn slower?

• If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

• Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• How come abbreviated is such a long word?

• All of those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

• How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

• I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
  So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'

• Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

• Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?

• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  I think I've forgotten this before.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

• The problem with the gene pools is that there is no lifeguard.

• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

• So what is the speed of dark?

• If the universe is expanding, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

• I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

• What happens if you get half scared to death twice?

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• 99% of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

• Just think of how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? (Think about it).

William Shakespeare pointed out in The Tempest that "Thought is Free."

 "There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."